Who Would Win in a Fight Between…
There have been silly memes well before the Internet version came along and the ‘who would win’ question has been around even longer. In fact, I can just imagine Jesus saying to his mates: “Who would win out of that homeless dude and him with the Jesus sandals?” Maybe not, but they’ve definitely been around a while. And they’ll be staying around for a while longer.
I’ve made a few up so here goes. Some are better than others, naturally, but I was getting tired after two dozen minus a few deletions. Anyhow, they are as far as I know all original. Makes a change from stealing old headlines!
In no particular order then:
The Bible and the Quran?
This would be a tough one, because they didn’t mess around in the dark ages. You’d have got a knife in your napper no fussing. Going purely on medievalness, I’d have to call it a win to the Quran, because they haven’t updated their holy book. Then it dawned on me that the First Testament was ruthless and would have easily battered the Quran. My answer, therefore, is the Quran wins now, but the 1st Testament was even harder!
Spider Man versus Vandalene
Spidey would most likely think he’s smart and jump over the top of the wall or fence pole, which is fair enough. That said, if the full skyscraper was covered in Vandalene, then he’s not going to win this one. Answer: draw.
Rhino Beetle Vs a Toy Manitou
This one goes to the Rhino Beetle. The Japanese gamblers use them don’t they, or that’s what I recall seeing on a film or something. Probably true so I’m going with the real deal – the Beetle. Easy win.
You know fine well that a Money Spider can easily scare to death a gang of screaming Beliebers. That’s all in a day’s work for incy wincy spider. Girls be like. “Arghhh!”
Michael Jackson Vs Bubbles the Chimp
Now forgive me for having MJ on my mind. You can’t get away from him at the moment with that Leaving Neverland documentary all over the Internet. You should know that chimps aren’t nice and cute furry little critters. They are strong as *uck nasty mo fos that will rip a paedophiles face off. That’s why I want to put a chimp against this abusing dirt bag. Yeah, his music was good.
His moon walking was even better, but sharing your bed with other people’s kids is jut plain wrong. No excuses.
Money doesn’t give you any more of a right to do such weird things. If anything it should have made him more awake and not put himself in such positions. Weirdo.
Koenigsegg Against Hennessey
Porsche has always been my favourite car company growing up as a kid and a man. Then in about 2002 I remember seeing this crazy car with even crazier doors and hit had all of 650bhp – at the time was insane – and I fell in love with Koenigsegg. Yep, I cheated on Porsche even if only mentally. So good was the bent metal and ultra-light carbon coming out of Ängelholm Sweden.
Now everyone knows about Koenigsegg, but I’m proud of the fact that I’ve been a fan long before the flock. Not that it counts for anything, but awe yeah, back to the fight. Christian von Koenigsegg is an evil genius, it has been said, such is his awesomeness. Well I can honestly say that as fast as the new Hennessey Venom F5 will be, it won’t be beating an ‘egg anytime soon. Trust me!
Kalashnikov Versus Colt
This one feels like America against Russia, such is the intensity. There is no loser here because they’re both amazing guns, but to cut it short, I will have to go with the AK-47. They’re both legends, but the Russian legend is even bigger in every way. It’s easier to maintain, has been in way more rap songs than the 15 has. Surely that must count for something? Heck even Tupac had one stamped on his chest. Enough said.
Jimmy Savile Against Your Grandmother
It goes without saying that you don’t mess with a granny. I remember when I was a six-year-old kid with pure blonde hair, my cousin and his mates were picking on me giving it the Snow White treatment. Wrong move. My nana went down in a flash and slapped them up.
You can’t get away with that type of thing these days because you’d get locked up, man or woman, but that’s proof to me that a bad babysitter like Savile would be ruined by a grandmother if he was around to mess with one. They don’t get shook easily – though they’re trained to go on immediate notice. #Respect
Gossip Lolly Vs Buzzfeed
Size aint shit when you’re messing with a lunatic! Buzzfeed might be bigger, but Gossip Lolly News Sweets don’t give a damn. We say what we want when we want. We don’t compare ourselves to anyone else, but maybe one day others will compare themselves to us.
Regardless, the quest to be the Number 1 gossip site has only just begun. Move over scuzzfeed. We’re not playing around.
McGregor Vs Smartphone
Who Would Win a Fight between Conor McGregor and a Mobile Smartphone?I’m only half clued up on this one. Today I was watching a YouTuber that I follow and he mentioned that Conor McGregor has been charged with strong arm robbery, all because he smashed some dude’s phone up. Damn. You can look at this both ways. On the one hand McGregor is a celebrity and paid millions to put up with the bullshit. On the other he is only human and must get sick of people stalking his every move when he’s out and about.
Not knowing the full story I can’t say much more, other than I think the phone has won.
Why? Well whatever happens, the crybaby man – who is an embarrassment to real men, because real men don’t cry to the police when they’re in the wrong – is going to sue him for a new phone.
Tea or Coffee, Peeps?
This is simple. It depends what time of day they fight. On a morning coffee will win and on an evening or tea time, well, erm, tea will win. I love them both so on this occasion I’m gonna keep my big beak out of the equation.
Chewing Gum against Dyson
Although chewing gum can’t be messed with, especially not with a pesky hand-held cleaner. You know even one designed by James Dyson himself can’t suck up sticky chewing gum from your carpet. The only solution here would be to use the ice-cube trick and make the gum go hard then it snaps off.
Easy when you know how, eh?
Camouflage Vs The Invisible Man
I’m not into storybooks, even though I watch the odd film. Therefore, I’m not going to get sentimental about The Invisible Man. He’s only make-believe anyway. My money is on camouflage, because he’s served our beloved soldiers well over the years. He’s going to be way harder to find than the invisible man. He’s just one man and one man can’t fight an army, even when you’re invisible. You’d soon see the steam coming from his shit in the dark and damp winter nights, wouldn’t you?!
Einstein Vs Jimmy Neutron
Old school against the new kid on the block, hey? Well it’s a tough call, but on this one it’s easy to go with a legend over some coiffured cartoon critter. Saying that, old Albie could do with a dash of young Jimmy’s hair wax. It would sort that fizz bomb out.
So my answer is straightforward, then. Einstein all the way. Boy genius you’ve got a lot to learn.
Pittbulls Against Ligers
It’s not easy doing animal maths, especially when they’re fighting one another. Not just squaring up, either, but fighting for their imaginary lives. My solution here was that the Ligers as big and bad as they are will soon tire out. Hence, why I only put them up against six American Pitt Bull Terriers. They’re legendarily tough and will sort the crossbred weaklings out no bother.
The win goes to the pitts!
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